The Hard-Won Lessons of Making Mistakes
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Perfectionism is something I know intimately. And it’s a mindset and way of being that I am actively working to dismantle within myself. The myth of perfectionism is something that I am able to rationally argue against. I can see how the pursuit of perfection narrows our field of vision and encourages us back into a binary existence of either being good enough — or not. I don’t want to live in an either/or reality, and yet I still struggle against living into these deeply-held beliefs when the oppositional forces feel especially mighty.
Cognitively, I know that perfectionism is unattainable, and I have trouble sometimes really being able to feel that. The perfectionism-isn’t-real idea hasn’t yet landed in my body as truth. I continually struggle with perfectionism and unreasonable expectations of myself.
That perpetual self-judgment stems not from a place of intentionality or soulfulness but rather from a place of contempt and self-loathing. My needlessly harsh inner critic is all too eager to jump on any opportunity of “failure” and berate me for all the ways in which my mistake equates to complete disaster. It might sound fatalistic, but this is the reality of being in my body when I slip from perfection.
This mode of operating is so deeply ingrained in my being that it continues to be one of my greatest teachers. I am continually finding new layers to unearth, new nuances to consider, and new angles to explore. And once again, life has presented me with an opportunity to confront my perfectionism head-on.
I made a mistake with a client recently, and immediately I went into dysregulation. That inner voice grabbed its bullhorn and began shouting profanities to confirm what it’s known all along — that I am dumb and worthless and am not any good at my job. My spirit was wildly deflated and I was left totally raw.
One of my deepest desires within the way I show up for my clients is to be a reliable, trustworthy, consistent resource for them. One who follows up with what I say I will do and ultimately leaves them feeling more at ease, more clear about the path forward, and more emboldened to take those next steps that honor their unique place in the world. I truly want each of my clients to leave our time together (however long or short that might be) with a sense of satisfaction.
Having clearly missed the mark with this particular engagement, I set off to make it right — to the best of my ability.
I also let myself feel the immense shame and guilt for missing the mark. I let myself weep. And as I let those feelings work their way through me, I could also begin to see clearly.
I could see where I made assumptions that I did not clearly communicate to confirm with the client.
I could see where I made tacit agreements in an attempt to honor our container, not fully realizing that in doing so I had cut the client out from the decision making process.
I could see where I had missed opportunities to more clearly communicate what would be possible with their desires and our capacity within what the engagement provided.
In the aftermath of delivering the revised version, I then had to grapple with the embroiled feelings of potential failure and the reality that I’m not perfect. In that waiting period to hear back, the internal questions came rolling in.
What if I’m totally off, again?
How do I acknowledge someone else’s disappointment and also not energetically hold onto it?
Where is the line of doing what I can to be radically generous and make this right, and also honor what I feasibly can and cannot do?
What if it’s never enough?
How can I remember my inherent worth as a human being, even though I made a mistake?
How can I honor this very human experience of making mistakes without wallowing in a dark pit of despair, self-pity, and self-blame?
I’m still very much working through those inquiries above, by the way! With the gentlest touch I can summon, I am continuing to examine the ways in which I can communicate more clearly in the future, and how I can take responsibility for my mistakes without completely giving my power away.
I can do my best to make amends, and I don’t have to continue to beat myself up for making the mistake in the first place. I can see my contribution to the problem and know that this doesn’t make me a bad person. I can accept that I make mistakes without holding myself to an inhuman standard of perfection. By taking this responsibility without allowing perfectionism to rob me of my power, I have the ability to improve where I can and also be gentle with my human limitations.
And the fascinating truth that has been revealed to me through this process is, yet again, to debunk this myth of perfection. I will not always get it right. And that’s OK because that is a part of the human experience. Mistakes and failure are a part of the process. However painful they may be in the immediate aftermath, they are another way we learn and grow.
Once I am able to get out of the whirlwind of the shame spiral, I can see the rich lessons available to me. And if we are to be on a life trajectory that fosters growth and embraces change, then this, too, is a part of it.
How do you stand up to perfectionism? How do you navigate what comes next when you make a mistake? How do you honor your part, take responsibility, and not diminish your personal boundaries or give your power away in the process?
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Photo credit: Creating Light Studio